Writing outlet

I have opportunities to write every so often for our MOPS group's newsletter that comes out a handful of times throughout the year, and I really enjoy it because I've found writing to be a creative outlet (one that I didn't really expect to enjoy since writing has always been mandatory and lengthy in my many, count them, 19 years of school - K-graduate school). So a few weeks ago, I thought about a topic and the one that came to mind that has always been relevant and challenging at the same time was this:

The Comparison Game: Where nobody is a winner

It starts from the moment we find out we’re pregnant. We swap stories with other moms about how their pregnancies went. We measure our own experience against what we hear and either come out feeling really good or a bit apprehensive, dissatisfied, and frustrated. The baby is born. We swap more stories about how our labor and delivery went. C-section or vaginal birth. Epidural or “natural.” Went according to plan or went in a direction outside our expectations. And we feel either really good or a bit regretful, dissatisfied or frustrated. The baby comes home from the hospital. We keep swapping stories about how the baby is eating (nursing or formula), sleeping (awake every 2 hours or slept through the night at 4 weeks), behaving (good natured baby or colicky), pooping, crying, napping, etc... And we feel either really good about ourselves/our situation/our child or weepy, dissatisfied, and frustrated. And so it continues.

It’s as natural as wanting to eat ice cream while watching The Biggest Loser, this comparison game. I’ll venture to say that we all play from time to time, and not just with other moms when it comes to talking about our children but in other relationships and aspects of our lives. It may seem like it’s best way to build friendships with other people, to try to find common links between. And maybe those are the easiest topics to begin with, but it’s a slippery slope, one that seems to often end in two possible places: The Valleys of Pride or Discontentment.

When I come out on top because my situation seems to be the better of the two, it’s easy to fall to the sin of pride. “I’m so glad that Pascal was an easy going baby. I can’t imagine what I would do if I had a fussy baby like ________. I guess whatever I’m doing must be right.” Yes, I might feel compassion for that mom for a time, but ultimately I’ll feel pity for them and relief for myself. Not a place I think God would have me be. Romans 12:3 says, “For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you.”

A friend shared a quote with me: “Comparison is the thief of joy.” That’s the other destination we can head. “Why is Pascal taking so long to talk? ________’s child who is younger is already using all kinds of words. Am I not doing enough?” And just like that, I’ve lost the joy in appreciating who he is, where he is. I’ve given way to fear and envy and given up being thankful that he’s a blessing from God. Not a better alternative to pride.

So what’s the solution? Stop talking to other people. No, not an option, but here are some choices I’ve found helpful:

1. Choose to ask neutral questions that help me to get to know the other person on a deeper level and stay focused on learning about them. Questions like, “Tell me about your favorite hobbies. When you were a kid, what did you dream you wanted to be when you grew up? What are you favorite foods? Have you read any good books lately (or movies)?” It takes more effort, but when I hold back from jumping in with my own answers to these questions, I allow the other person to really be heard and keep the comparisons and resulting consequences to a minimum.

2. If we do talk about subjects that naturally result in a comparison, be thankful. When I thank God for the blessings he’s showered on my friend, I affirm the truth that God is not limited in his goodness, and I needn’t be envious. And when I thank God for a less than A+ situation in my life, I live out all the scriptures that command us to “give thanks in all circumstances,” and I trust God.

This is an ongoing “game” we’ll play for the rest of our lives, but don’t give up, because if we play it right, everybody can win!